Why is it important to make peace with children before bedtime?
Reconciliation is not about “bowing out” or “letting go” of the event/action that caused the fight.
Reconciliation means showing your child that he/she is not rejected, that you care about his/her feelings and himself/herself. And “educational conversation” or “realization of the consequences” can be held NEXT DAY.
If you and your child did not make up and silently went to separate rooms (it does not matter how old the child is, moreover, teenagers react even more acutely to quarrels), he goes to bed with resentment (and resentment is “pain” + “aggression”) and fear that he will lose you (yes, yes, children tend to catastrophize).
At such times, the child feels that no one loves him or her, that he or she is alone in the world. Anxiety appears, if you manage to fall asleep (older children may not fall asleep at all), there is a high probability that nightmares will occur.
I think it is not necessary to say much about the importance of a quiet and quality sleep.
How does a child who fell asleep without making up with his parents feel?
Did you have such situations in your childhood? Remember how you felt then.
The child feels bad.
Even if you are growing phlegmatic (that is, a person with an immobile type of nervous system) unresolved conflicts BEFORE a night’s sleep also affect him. How? Those feelings that he experienced (fear / anxiety / resentment / anger, etc.) from short-term memory can move into long-term memory (because the processing of information received during the day occurs in sleep).
Would you like to see such memories accumulate in your child’s memory?
In order to avoid the accumulation of negative memories, a parent can be the first to start a CONVICTION – APPRECIATION after a quarrel with a child.
I offer you an ALGORITHM of talking to your child after a quarrel, so that reconciliation will be effective and quarrels will happen as rarely as possible.
5 steps of conversation:
STEP 1 – calm down
How do I check to see if I have calmed down? Think of 3 things you admire about your son/daughter. If you can’t remember, you probably haven’t “cooled down” yet and the conversation with your child may end up in a second fight. Give yourself some more time.
STEP 2 – For those who have “cooled off”.
Start the conversation: “Child’s name, I’d like to talk to you. Are you okay? Are you ready to talk?” If the child is not ready, give him/her time and think of 2 other things you admire about him/her.
STEP 3 – For those who have gotten the “green light” to talk.
Tell the child the following: “Lately we have been fighting a lot with you (if the reason for the conflict is the same, you can voice it). It makes me very upset and I don’t like our relationship. I want to be a good parent to you and for us to fight less. Let’s talk about what I can do to make you feel better.”
STEP 4 –
Listen to your child without interrupting. Thank them for talking: “Thank you for telling me that.” Next, you agree with what you really agree with and explain what you disagree with and why.
STEP 5 – (the most important of the 5 steps)
DEVELOP WITH THE CHILD A NEW STRATEGY FOR BEHAVIOR IN THE CONFLICT SITUATION (PLAN)
Invite the child to imagine that you are watching a FILM about YOU, as if you were watching yourself from the outside and there is a scene of conflict.
YOU ARE THE DIRECTORS!
Your job is to make sure that the characters don’t fight:
– to come up with the dialog;
– make the arrangements, etc.
Play the solution (right with dialogs) that is ready and satisfactory for both sides of the conflict (i.e. the child and you).
YOU COOPERATE, not compromise (compromise is “neither you nor me”, cooperation is both you and me).
Watching an imaginary movie about oneself usually responds and instills in children a sense of confidence that everything will be all right. After all, the brain essentially does not care: this situation happened to me or I imagined it in detail, played it out and felt (realized) my emotions.
The task of a wise adult, loving parent is to help strengthen the inner world of the child, “to inspire confidence and positive feelings”. Trusting conversation, “watching a movie” about yourself, reading psychological fairy tales – messages, thanks to which, the child can make sure that everything is “okay” with him and believe in himself, in the reliability of this world, his strength, parents and so on.
MAKE PEACE WITH CHILDREN BEFORE BEDTIME
DO NOT LET THEM FALL ASLEEP WITH RESENTMENT, IN TEARS.
