Building a relationship with the FUTURE teenager NOW.
Article author: Anita Vayakanti – a child and perinatal psychologist, art therapist, Master in Health and Development Psychology.
Newborn girl – future woman. A boy – will become a man, and all of us were once teenagers and our children will become teenagers one day.
Any child, even the youngest, is a future teenager, a relationship that parents build BEFORE transition age. During transition, we reap the rewards:
– parenting (that is, parent-child RELATIONSHIPS);
– the tasks of this age (the first of which is separation);
– the peculiarities of this age (falling parental authority, emotionality, social fears, etc.).
All this has a greater influence on the so-called “teenage rebellion”. The task of adults is to establish a trusting relationship with the child, for trust means safety.
If the atmosphere in the house is stable, the roles are distributed correctly (who is the parent, and who is the child), there are boundaries in the family (the child sees the consequences), acceptance and parents are engaged including themselves (their mental, physical health, their relationships, hobbies, interests, etc.), then there is a high probability that teenage “rebellion” will not be rebellion at all, but the usual transition age, where the child gradually passes from the role of the child into the role of the adult.
Keep the tips to have time to prepare for the transition age in advance:
NO PUNISHMENTS, BUT BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are designed to minimize conflict. Boundaries are markers to others about what they can and cannot do. For children, boundaries are rules that the family dictates. Every family has its own rules.
Of course, these rules change as the child grows up, some become irrelevant and new ones replace them. A schoolchild can be involved in discussing and drawing up family rules, and a special agreement can be made with a teenager.
When the rules and boundaries are broken you should decide what happens. I recommend building a relationship so that the child does not want to break the rules NOT because he is afraid of punishment, but because he does NOT want to lose parental trust.
Why do I recommend this way of doing things? Because sooner or later the child, or rather the teenager, will stop being afraid of being punished, of being yelled at or something taken away. Fear will go away, and in its place will come another permissive emotion, anger.
NOT “HOW ARE YOU DOING?” BUT “WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE / LEAVE OUT OF TODAY?”
From an early age (you can start when your child learns how to talk) ask open-ended questions to your child. Questions that the child won’t be able to answer simply yes / no / normal. Questions that will allow your child to explore the question and will help you to find out what the child dreams about, why he/she likes this particular teacher, and how creative he/she is.
If you introduce from an early age the tradition of talking before going to bed / in the morning or during dinner (not necessarily about how the day went, you can just discuss anything) it will be easier for the child to trust you and reveal their secrets / experiences as a teenager. After all, the ground is there for this.
NO CRITICISM, BUT HELPFUL FEEDBACK
Criticism destroys both self-esteem and relationships.
What is the right way to give helpful feedback to a child?
– in a calm tone of voice;
– talk about the action/behavior, not about the child
(❌ you are bad, you are careless, etc.)
– focus on the good;
– do not generalize (you always…);
– offer help.
NOT DISPERSED INTO ROOMS / PHONES, BUT QUALITY COMMUNICATION
Quality time is really something that children desperately need and parental involvement.
You can go around, discuss things (tell kids about yourself at their age, they love that), play, draw, read stories…
NOT A “FORBIDDEN TOPIC”, BUT “LET’S TALK ABOUT…”
When we refuse to answer a question or being embarrassed, or think that “it’s too early” (we are talking about when a child starts asking questions or is somehow interested in a topic / situation) we miss an opportunity to bond with the child, we miss an important experience for the child, the presence of which can greatly ease the transition and adolescent detachment.
It is parental openness and the ability to conduct a dialogue. If the child came with the question “and what is sex” or “what is the period”, or maybe the child asked you what is going on in the world or asked you “will you die?” (realization of finitude and existential crisis – living with the fear of death).
In general, it doesn’t matter what a child asks, the important thing is to hear the child and to respond to his questions, not to brush it off or to divert his attention.
IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD
Understand his/her temperament, reactions, strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly understand that he/she is growing and changing.
What do psychologists call an age crisis?
The period when certain methods / tricks stop “working” and parents need to resolve the puzzle. And sometimes it is even necessary to reconsider relationships, or rather their roles.
Don’t resist this, but instead try to be happy (it’s hard, I understand) that the child is growing and living through ALL the stages of his or her maturation.
ENRICH THE CHILD’S ENVIRONMENT
Show your child what an interesting and fascinating world it is. Show them by your own example as well. Don’t just take your child to a million activities, but share common hobbies, such as sports and creativity… Of course, guided by the preferences and individual abilities of the child.
The more common hobbies, the easier it is to find common ground with the child at a transitional age.
Always at your service,
Anita Vayakanti
