Or why is your own child annoying?
I propose to discuss (not in depth, as this topic is more for individual consideration and I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt by reading it) parental anger towards children. Spoiler: getting angry is normal, being aggressive (an action that violates a child’s boundaries) is not.
Let’s discuss with you the CAUSES of parental anger. Why a parent may snap at a child and use a “method” of upbringing that he or she does not approve of.
There are many reasons why children can be very annoying, but I want to talk about the most common ones, the ones whose realization can alleviate this annoyance and there will be an opportunity to react differently.
AGGRESSION BECAUSE OF POWERLESSNESS
Talking, talking, asking, asking, and all to no avail! Lack of understanding of how else to enlighten the baby or calm down, makes us powerless. And the feeling of powerlessness itself makes us helpless, that is, vulnerable. Not a very pleasant feeling.
The important thing to remember here is that no toddler (preschoolers and elementary schoolers) wants to be bad to their parents. That babies can suffer from migraines, that a tantrum is a cry for something (some need or problem), that the nervous system is not yet formed and can be very weak or even easily excitable, that each age stage has its own peculiarities, but no child wants to piss off their mom on purpose.
Our love is vital nectar for them, it will be hard for them without us and they realize this on a biological level. Parents are for nurturing and love. “I am here to take care of you”, say it to your child more often.
There are many recommendations, exercises, stories in my profile, helping to calm/ slow down/ switch the child.
https://www.instagram.com/silaskazki
TIRED
This one is already about taking care of yourself. After all, a tired, inattentive, irritable person will most likely not be able to react to the child’s behavior in the way he or she would actually want to.
Feeling annoyed by everything? Take a break, delegate, don’t clean the house, take a vacation, go out of town, yes anything, but please reset! You can do it without kids (you even need to). Just during this time will have time to miss ❤️
DIFFERENCE IN TEMPERAMENT
Active parents are born a very calm and slow child, naturally they will seem that something is wrong with him and he is some kind of wrong. And most importantly, they will be unrealistically irritated by his slowness, and vice versa, an active child in a very calm family can be a strong irritant for their parents.
Take this into account. Maybe the baby does everything slowly not because he is so harmful, but because you are actually super-fast???? He just does not have time, but is able to diligently and long “solve” one problem and bring the case to the end. That’s a big, fat plus to his slowness.
It’s the same with activity. We just take this feature into account and learn to live with it).
EXPECTATIONS
Expectations is in general a separate and deep topic. But if briefly, we may be angry and annoyed that the child does not do as we want and consider necessary, that he does not appreciate the invested in his music school funds and nerves, but the real motive for this behavior – it is the imposition of his life. And the child’s resistance causes aggression. Here it is very important to remember that the child is a separate personality from us. And it is important to work with your expectations, tracking them.
It is also very important to really look at the child, at his abilities, skills and talents.
OUR CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE
We react to stress (and a child’s crying or screaming provokes the release of cortisol into the bloodstream) the way our parents reacted. After all, children read parental strategies as true and later borrow them into their adult lives.
It’s important to keep track of this. Yes, the brain may be used to producing “that” reaction, but we have the power to change it. To tread a new path in this wilderness (by path I mean a new reaction), rather than following the road that was laid down in childhood. Maybe this road is simpler and shorter (and the brain produces just such a reaction, because it does not want to strain), but it will not lead to harmony and understanding.
Realization of the TRUE reason for screaming, anger or aggression helps to control your reactions, and trivial training: not to scream, but to say feelings: “I am angry, so you do not need to touch me”, for example, will help in this direction to move (the direction is called CONTROL).
In general, the topic of parental anger is deep and I recommend that you deal with it individually (on your own: reading books, listening to lectures or with the help of a specialist).
But the realization that the child does not do anything on purpose, out of spite and in general is afraid of losing parental love helps to be more restrained and take care of yourself and your child ❤️.
May your journey of parenthood be filled with understanding, love and mutual support. I wish you every success in this important and great task in life.
My best wishes to you,
Anita Vayakanti
Child psychologist and art therapist
