What’s Hiding Behind a Child’s Behavior?
We often focus only on what we see: tantrums, aggression, apathy, lying. But behind most “bad behavior” lies something deeper — pain, fear, fatigue, helplessness or loneliness.
This article helps you look deeper: what’s truly happening inside the child and how to offer support.
1. The child is rude, snappy, and easily irritated
On the outside
Snaps back, talks back, seems irritated for no reason.
On the inside
I’m holding in tension and letting it out on those closest to me. It might be a protest against restrictions or a reaction to the lack of clear boundaries.
Quick help
Allow safe emotional release — through sports, games, humor. If your home lacks boundaries, start introducing them gently, but clearly.
📌 Remember: loving doesn’t mean indulging.
2. The child bites nails, pulls hair, or chews lips
On the outside
Nail-biting, hair-pulling, lip-chewing.
On the inside
I feel anxious and don’t know how to handle the tension. It’s my way of calming myself.
Quick help
Introduce calming rituals: breathing exercises, hand massage, stress toys. Help the child name and express their feelings in words.
3. The child can’t handle losing, reacts badly to criticism
On the outside
Meltdowns, withdrawal, refusal to participate in competitive games.
On the inside
I’m afraid if I’m not the best, I won’t be loved. Mistakes feel like shame and disappointment.
Quick help
Show by example that it’s okay to make mistakes. Praise effort, not just the outcome.
4. The child has no interest, spends too much time on screens
On the outside
Disinterest in everything, constantly on devices.
On the inside
I’m burned out. I feel like nothing will work out for me anyway, so why even try?
Quick help
Give them more free time without demands. Look for joyful activities together.
5. The child keeps lying, even when there’s no need
On the outside
Lying, making things up, hiding the truth.
On the inside
I’m afraid of being judged or punished. Telling the truth doesn’t feel safe.
Quick help
Remove punishment for mistakes. Praise honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable. Share your own “failures” openly.
6. The child acts “defiant,” ignores requests
On the outside
Defiant, ignores your instructions.
On the inside
I feel like I have no control in my life. This is how I show I matter too.
Quick help
Offer more choice (not “do it,” but “would you like to start with this or that?”).
7. The child refuses to try new things, fears change
On the outside
Avoids unfamiliar situations, doesn’t want to try anything new.
On the inside
I’m anxious and need predictability. The unknown is scarier than the familiar.
Quick help
Explain what’s coming, add predictability. Give small, spontaneous tasks to practice flexibility. Praise progress.
8. The child says: “You’re a bad parent, I want a new one”
On the outside
Hurtful words to parents.
On the inside
I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I know you’re good, but I’m hurting and want you to hold my feelings.
Quick help
Don’t take it personally. Stay close and say:
“I hear that you’re struggling. I’m here for you.”
🧡 A child who never had the experience of a supportive adult just doesn’t know what that feels like.
Final thoughts
✨ A child’s behavior is a language. Sometimes messy, but always honest. When we look beyond the surface, we discover the truth.
Children don’t need perfect parents — they need those who are present, empathetic, and willing to connect.
👉 When your child cries, explodes or shuts down — they’re not being “bad,” they’re asking for help.
📌 Remember: “Bad behavior” isn’t a verdict — it’s a signal for support.
“When we learn to see not only behaviour, but also what lies behind it, the child’s world becomes clearer to us.”
