Speaking of punishment we want to note the feelings of already grown-up children. Most often these are feelings of rejection, fear and resentment.
Let’s think about why we punish children? To make them realize that it is not right or even good to act in such a way.
And from what feelings are such thoughts born? Anger? Resentment? Fear? I don’t think so. But these are exactly the feelings a child has when he is punished in the following ways:
But these are exactly the feelings a child has when he is punished in the following ways:
PHYSICALLY
When an adult, strong and significant person hits or spanks – the child’s world crumbles, as does his sense of security. After all, an adult is his own person to protect. This kind of punishment is a direct aggression towards the child.
All children are different, situations in the family and the state of the parents too. For example, if a child has ADHD, it is very difficult to always keep yourself in control.
TIP: When you feel like you’re snapping and doing something you don’t really want to do to your child, stop, breathe and RELAX.
And in fact, many parents do not want to use this “method”. It destroys relationships. Just because of powerlessness, fatigue and even a sense of helplessness, we, adults, stronger, smarter and more restrained (our cns and brain, unlike the child formed) apply inapplicable.
IGNORING
The game of silence or “I’m not talking to you” is a powerful tool in destroying both a child’s psyche and a healthy relationship with them.
After all, for children parental ignoring = loss of love. And that’s something they never dreamed of. Ignoring – means I take offense, not showing the child his boundaries and what he did “wrong”. Silence and do not communicate is convenient, because you do not have to talk.
But in this case, the child:
a) will never realize where his mistake was and will not feel the boundaries
b) will feel rejection (which greatly affects self-esteem)
c) in the future will be the same way to accumulate resentment, not to solve conflicts.
CONSTANT SCREAMING
I can’t get past that fact. And yes, again, I realize that sometimes (often) you may not have the energy to speak calmly, but this is NOT THE CHILD’S problem. Remember one important truth:
CHILDREN DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO MAKE THEIR PARENTS ANGRY. You are the most valuable and precious what they have. And behind the disobedience or some other unacceptable behavior, there are reasons and it is in them and need to deal with.
– Why does my child behave this way?
– What does his behavior say?
– Is he able to understand or do what I require of him? And so on.
So why is yelling ineffective and destructive? Any ideas?
– The child is frightened and doesn’t hear (consider not memorizing actions) what is being said to him. He hears the tone. So it is not instructive, the child stops the activity not because he understood mom/dad, but because he was frightened.
– Screaming inhibits the child and his development (especially constant). Hormones such as cortisol, norepinephrine, adrenaline are released into the bloodstream and affect the body’s exhaustion.
DESTROYMENT
I’m sure everyone knows how negatively name-calling affects a person’s psyche.
– you’re stupid/ armless/ brainless/ stupid, etc. All of these are words that destroy both relationships and a child’s self-esteem.
!!! The main rule: WE CHANGE (condemn????) THE BEHAVIOUR, NOT THE PERSONALITY OF THE CHILD!
WHEN PUNISHED FOR GOOD INTENTIONS
What could be more frustrating than when you meant well and you’ve also been scolded. You know, there is such a phrase: YOU SHOULD NOT LOOK AT THE WORDS, BUT AT THE ACTIONS. So I suggest you look a little deeper: THE MOTIVE FOR THESE ACTIONS..
For example, your daughter decided to wash the dishes for you, but in the end she did a very bad job. The dishes are dirty, beaten, and the detergent is all poured out. If we scold the child for showing initiative and care, we simply deprive the desire to do something good and show any initiative in the future.
The child may develop the following attitude in his head:
“When I show initiative/ care, mom scolds me. It’s better not to do anything then.”
WHEN DEPRIVED OF VITAL NECESSITIES
Well, for example, a girl is doing ballet and she needs tap shoes, and her parents, as a punishment for inappropriate behavior, will NOT buy her tap shoes. Or a high school student needs to bring in a scimitar for geometry but you refused him.
The only thing worse than this is punishment with food (a basic need). When a child is deprived of something that makes it possible for them to live and function = the child is rejected and endangered. This is very unconstructive, wouldn’t you agree?
After all, a child needs parents FOR CARE in the first place.
The punishment MUST be commensurate with the child’s misbehavior, and even better if it is a consequence that the child knew about (or was warned about) in advance.
I’m anticipating a huge number of questions “How should it be done?”. And I hasten to disappoint, there is no absolute and suitable for each family “as it should be”, but there are boundaries, both personal and family, as well as THE BOUNDARIES OF WHAT IS ALLOWED.
And it is them, these boundaries (taking into account the individual characteristics of your child, your values and views) need to build a child.
That is:
Be consistent
Warn that there is such and such a rule or that such and such behavior is unacceptable
Spell out what will happen if…..
Legalize that “what will happen.”
No one forces adults to be insensitive, one can even sympathize with a child who has been “punished” (carried out a natural consequence, which in turn was warned about): “I’m sorry, but…”/ “I understand that you don’t want to, but…”
After all, if we take offense at a child, we most likely fall into the state of “I am a child” and communicate not from the position of an adult. Why do we expect adult and reasonable actions from children?
A child is influenced by many factors:
- family climate
- presence/absence of birth or postnatal traumas.
- his age, temperament, society and much, much more.
Therefore, if the child does not obey or constantly “brings” parents to such a state that you want to apply one of the above punishments, it is worth thinking about whether everything with the internal state or physiology is in order?
Understanding the reasons for behavior, taking into account the individual characteristics of the child, it is easier to build a relationship with him and be a resource (because when you know “why” less negativity and non-acceptance) and respond to children’s caprices / tantrums / violations.
PROHIBITIONS AND PERMISSIONS
(tips for parents)
About PERMISSIONS ✅ and PROHIBITS ❌
❌ Prohibit experimenting, doing things on your own (even if ineptly).
✅ Disallow anything that does not harm the child’s health and the personal freedom of others.
❌ Physically punish, yell, or ignore children (which is the most difficult punishment for a child).
✅ Build boundaries and show (after a warning) natural consequences. Lined boundaries of what is allowed are key to child safety.
❌Contradict yourself. Saying “no” first and then after tears and yelling, “yes.”
✅ Stand by your “no” or voice the reason why you are doing so:
“I’m sorry, but we’re not watching a cartoon before bedtime since the homework hasn’t been done.”
❌ Contradict each other.
Mom says, “No, you can’t eat any more chocolate today because…”
And dad at that time either secretly gives the child a chocolate bar or questions mom’s authority and word: “Oh well, don’t be naughty, give the child chocolate,” or vice versa.
✅ Be a team. Mom and Dad are in it together. If dad has forbidden something to the child, mom does not override that prohibition (and vice versa).
❌ Make demands of the older child as an adult. Give toys to a younger child against his will and force him to give in by saying: “You are the oldest.”
✅ Being an elder is not easy. It means sharing the parents’ love with a younger sibling, so it is important to show the child that with his new status as “older sibling” he has new OPPORTUNITIES, but NOT responsibilities.
❌ Yelling, tantruming at the child during HIS tantrum.
Children tantrum because their nervous system is not formed and they simply cannot handle certain emotions within themselves. Adults are adults because their brains and cns are mature and they can handle much more than a child.
✅ It is IMPORTANT to calm yourself during a violent tantrum. Take a deep breath and help the child get out of that state. Learn how to respond appropriately to a child’s tantrum.
❌ Scare children. “If you behave like this, I will leave (=love you)./ If you scream loudly, a policeman will come and take you away,” etc.
Such phrases, statements traumatize children, and you build relationships not on love and acceptance, but on intimidation.
✅ Use “I statements”. Do not like something in the child’s behavior? His habits? Actions? Tell him about it:
“It upsets me when children behave this way/ I get angry when I hear you yell.”
❌ Decide for the child what is best for him. Ignore his wishes and negate any initiative. After all, you will have to clean the whole house if he decides to help transplant flowers. It is those children, for whom everything was decided by their parents and whose opinion was not considered, who grow up to be indecisive and insecure adults.
✅ Give the child choices and teach them to listen to their desires. Choices can be artificial (I call this the illusion of choice):
“Are you going to eat rice porridge or buckwheat porridge for breakfast? What would you like to do this weekend? What movie will we watch, etc.”
It is important for a child from early years to feel his importance and rightfulness, then in the future he will have no problems in communicating with adults and teachers. He will know what MY opinion is, and if it is important to him, he will be able to defend it.
❌ Comparing your child to other children. Comparison doesn’t motivate, comparison breaks self-confidence.
✅ Comparing to yourself and being proud of successes (even small ones). A child can ONLY be compared to himself.
“You swam faster today than last time. You did great!”
“Remember last week when you did a similar task quickly and easily? I believe you can do it again!”
Parenting is a challenging but very exciting project, because you are the first to lay the foundations of a child’s character and behavior, family relationships paint a picture of the world and teach how to interact with other children/people. A child’s world begins with you. May it be full of love, joy and kindness.
Best wishes,
Your Anita Vayakanti,
Pediatric Perinatal Psychologist and Art Therapist.
