Or 10 Ways to Establish a Trusting Relationship with Your Child
Article author:
Anita Vayakanti – a child and perinatal psychologist, art therapist, Master in Health and Development Psychology.
Before I get to the point of this article, I want to ask: What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? How would you describe them?
Let’s not just talk about trust, where a child shares what’s on their mind, doesn’t hide their grades and tells them where they went. I want to talk about more global trust, about when a child doesn’t do something (breaks a rule, for example) NOT because he is afraid of the consequences, but because he doesn’t want the trust between him and his parents to crumble or even sag.
The trust relationship is the rope that the child steadily walks on, sometimes bouncing or cutting it with little but sharp scissors called “transition” ?
Any relationship is about interaction and it’s very difficult to effectively interact with someone you don’t trust or are afraid of, or (insert appropriate)…, – the list is endless.
In order for a child to want to interact with his family, spend time with them as an adult, and trust them, you need to create the conditions for all of this. Trust, gratitude and interest (in their parents’ lives) do not fall from the sky.
So, which parents/ adults do children (and us adults) want (easier) to trust?
1. SAFE
That is, those who do not reject, who do not abandon or ignore. Dangerous adults often “break children” by their ignoring, inconsistency, yelling. All of this breaks the child and his relationship with his parents.
So: when an infant cries – meet needs and be there for them. When a preschooler cries – containerize, switch, but don’t leave them alone with their emotions. When an older preschooler or junior high schooler is crying – be there, or use already effective ways to calm down (it helps someone to be alone without an audience, and it happens), and deal with the causes of tantrums (if they are tantrums and they are frequent).
It’s important to talk to teens without devaluing feelings and talking about your own at his age – it brings them closer together.
2. RELIABLE
It’s important for parents to be consistent and predictable.
Said – done. Forbidden – means forbidden (while containerizing, pitying, etc.). Denied/ forbidden/ rule does NOT exclude empathy, affection and attention.
Try with other regular adults (who live with the child) NOT to contradict each other, thereby maintaining everyone’s authority.
Consistency + predictability = stability. And stability = safety.
3. ACTIVELY LISTENING
How to listen so that the child speaks, shares even something innermost? There is a technique of active listening, when the interlocutor (child) wants to keep telling.
! If you don’t have time to listen to your child, say it frankly and agree when you will come back to this conversation, and be sure to keep your promise. It’s about quality communication.
Listening skills are based on empathy – this is when you share any feelings of the child, do not judge, share your own experiences.
! It is important to be able to “bring back” the child into the conversation and this is also about feelings, trusting contact, because communication is based on feelings and acceptance.
4. OPEN
Talk about yourself, your child’s age, what you like and why (not trying to convince/ reconvince the child that “this” is good and what you do is not okay). Talk without asking automatic questions:
– how’s it going? What did you eat, what grade did you get, etc.?
Such questions are more like a roll call than a sincere dialogue. So just talk about yourself, by your own example, show that sharing emotions, thoughts is cool.
Children (especially preschoolers) imitate their parents, and it often happens that as soon as mom/ dad starts talking about themselves, the child wants to immediately tell about what happened to him/ her in the kindergarten/school. And here we need active listening.
5. HONEST
To be honest – it doesn’t mean to tell everything as it is to a child. It is clear that the child’s psyche is not able to withstand what an adult can stand calmly and without consequences. So, of course, we filter what we talk about with children, but just remember that “family secrets”, “understatement”, “passive conflicts” and so on… ALL THIS is what a child feels and knows something is wrong. Generally speaking, children BOTH feel and understand things, they understand them in their own way and more often than not also catastrophize the tension hanging in the air.
For example, parents are going to divorce for a long time, but still can not tell the child, or try to live together for him. No one says anything to the child, but he or she feels that something is wrong, but he or she cannot fully understand what it is, so he or she speculates and forms erroneous judgments (for example, that parents cannot be trusted, because they are hiding something from me).
Also, under “honesty” I want to add a few lines about Fairness. Please be fair to your child, his or her misdeeds and behavior. Children are acutely affected by feelings of injustice and, understandably, having that feeling in a relationship creates distance.
6. TALKING
Trust your child, don’t let yourself and others label him, even if there have been repeated unpleasant situations (cheating, taken without asking, sassing, etc.). Show your child that you trust him and that the credit of trust, of course, can be lost, but no one will always reproach you for it and remind you, just the “rules” will change (for example, will have to put a timer on your laptop or check your homework every night. But this does not mean that it will always be so).
Trust is also about acknowledgement of feelings, empathy and closeness (I am always there for you; you can count on me; I will not judge you, but the “situation” will have to be dealt with -> and there may be consequences).
7. WARNING
Often I hear that children should respect their elders, but rarely that elders should also respect children. After all, how can you respect someone who doesn’t respect you? Such a person can be feared and pretend to respect. Adults should have respect for the child’s personal boundaries, the boundaries of his body, his belongings, and his privacy, among other things.
“You can’t do this to me (insert as appropriate) and you can’t do this to me (insert as appropriate).
8. Hearing (and flexible).
(a) Respond to the child’s “call
It is important for a child to know that a parent will always respond to his or her call and accept it, no matter what happens. So always give feedback to children: “I see you”; “I’m here for you”; “Together we can handle it”; “Do you think this is a big, medium or small problem?” and so on.
b) Be attentive to changes in behavior and the stage of growing up. Try to hear when the child is “knocking” with a request to reconsider the relationship from parent-child to adult-adult (at least in some situations).
9. TO THOSE INTERESTED
Try to genuinely understand why this particular game, book, activity, character, and so on your child likes it. Ask questions about it, ask for opinions, and ask for help (not just help around the house, but also where your teenager can roughly express his or her expertise).
10. BE IN YOUR OWN PLACE
When the adult feels that he is in his place (doing what he really wants and likes), when he has help (a second adult) and the ability to fill up with energy (it’s just about the resource) to give it away:
– to a partner;
– children;
– work and so on.
Then and much easier to follow all this “advice”.
In my opinion, it is very important to be in one’s own place, and only the person himself determines “his place”.
Therefore, first of all, take care of yourself, ask for help and support if you see that someone needs this support (and you have the strength to give it).
Hugs,
Anita.
