“I ALWAYS LOVE YOU” (c) Mom/Dad.
Author of this article:
Anita Viakanti is a child and perinatal psychologist, art therapist, and master’s student in health and developmental psychology.
We do everything for children, so that they feel good and well-fed, that they are happy, healthy and cheerful. We tell them how much we love them, give them gifts, spend time together… but in one way or another, almost every child said or thought sometimes that his parents did not love him.
Why is this happening?
Because the process of raising a child is not only “love” and hugs, but also:
– Get out! Do not touch! Stop it!
– Go away!
– How many times do I have to tell you?
– Get to the table in a jiffy, I’m getting angry!
– Your behavior is terrible, etc.
And also boundaries, prohibitions, consequences, conventions and so on.
Of course, this does not mean that we do not love our child, but does he understand this? Especially if he hears decrees, advice, notations more often, and not a gentle “I love you”.
Children are very direct thinkers. If we reject them (even for a short time, even for a little bit, even if it is for the sake of “prevention”, etc.), then it seems to them that they are losing us, losing our love, and as a result, they are losing everything in their lives.
We assume that children know that we love them, that they already know it. After all, we do so much for them. But believe me, children are still those who like to doubt parental love. Especially after a quarrel, especially if they were punished, criticized or shouted at.
And they can unconsciously test us. Do we love them for who they are? That is, scandalous, stubborn and disobedient. Yes, yes, this is the best extreme in order to test the love of your parent. Will mom and dad love me if I…
Child psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya has a wonderful metaphor for this:
“Imagine that you are walking over an abyss, and a rope is protecting you, and at one moment this rope caved in under you. What are you going to do? Start pulling on this rope and check if it holds, if it doesn’t break.”
So children sometimes use just such a method of “checking” their parents. The world is an abyss for them (because without adults it is difficult for them to survive in it), and we are the rope that insures them. And sometimes this rope bends:
- when we unconsciously reject children (ignore, for example);
- when we punish them;
- when we criticize or compare with someone, in general, when, as it seems to us, we educate them.
Therefore, in order for the child not to have the feeling that his rope is bent, I suggest that you always, no matter how he behaves, tell him: “I still love you.”
This does not mean that some kind of parental ban is canceled, no. It just means that I love you. I set boundaries and love at the same time❤️
It is important for a child to feel and understand that even if mom and dad are unhappy with his behavior, they still love him and will not leave him.
Yours Anita Viakanti
Instagram: anita_prof
