Author of this article:
Anita Viakanti is a child and perinatal psychologist, art therapist, and master’s student in health and developmental psychology.
It hurts to see and hear how quickly children are growing up these days.
Many of my little clients have had to endure the horrors of what is happening, and you know what the first thing they asked me (when they first called after 2/24)?
Whether or not I was safe and whether or not there was a bomb shelter in my house.
Of course, I told them, or rather reminded them, that I lived far away, across the ocean. I showed them the palm trees outside the window and gave them back their childhood role.
Now many families have gone through an unplanned move. Many have divided families: some have decided to stay and some have decided to leave. Many have had to deal with challenges that they hadn’t even considered before. Many families are left with ONE adult.
And of course this one adult now (and not only now, it happens in peacetime) can not withstand the stress and burden. And at times like this, you want your child to be understanding, aware, helpful, and not even more troublesome…
‼️BUT..
Children cannot be for their parents:
❌ reliance
❌ support
❌ protection
❌ an equal partner
❌ “project” (fulfilling their expectations), etc.
Their psyche (without consequences) simply can’t take it. Such a burden of responsibility. In psychology there is a concept called “parentification”. It is when children psychologically become their parents.
Children are children. Relationships with children are not like those with a husband/ wife, a friend/ girlfriend, a colleague. Relationships with children are special because children depend on us. Children already worry about us and take a lot of things at their own expense (because of their egocentrism). They are small, and they need an adult they can lean on, “learn from” and rely on, not the other way around.
⠀
That’s why I don’t recommend it:
❌ asking children for advice in difficult situations
❌ give them responsibilities that are not children’s (on a regular basis)
❌ tell them that our emotional well-being depends on their behavior/achievement/achievement
❌ forcing them to make parental choices
❌ “pinning” our expectations and ideas on what they should be able to do/do/want, etc. on them
⠀
Childhood is for play and development, not for being strong and understanding. They will learn this as they get older, leaning on you.
If you feel that you are breaking down, that you can’t cope, that there is no other way … then you need help! And it’s okay to ask for help from OTHER ADULTS.
Try to keep the role positions in the family: children are children, and parents are parents and adults.
Your Anita Viakanti
Instagram: anita_prof
